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A Daughter coming to terms wih life without Dad, the honest & unedited truth in a moment of time according to Jess Maher

posted 10 Jan 2011, 03:36 by Jess Maher   [ updated 10 Jan 2011, 03:37 ]
For me personally, I do not feel all that comfortable with talking to my deceased father either out loud, or in my head- for me, the profile page left behind is a way for me to connect with the concept of what my Dad stood for, believed in and taught me over my life. As I am dealing with his death, there have been times when I have posted to his wall that have caused concern or hurt for others, particularly my mother and sister whom in some ways are the only ones in this context that could potentially understand what I am going through. And then when there are times that I have not had anyone to answer my phone calls or fry to about any difficulties I am facing in day to dau life and when they have hit me hard over the past few months, which a few times they have, I have sometimes resorted to making this thinking and processing of my emotions or thoughts public in posts to or about my Dad online. 

I believe this particular post, which I am just about to delet now, this ones espically raised some serious concerns to some as I am aware. This topic is going to by its very nature commonly be a cause for disagreement or concern, if for no other reason than the mental & emotionally charged states which is commonly found & completely understandable of any individual in this kind of situation. The reality is, it was less than 3 months ago that my family had meet in Adelaide for Dad's funeral (or as I tried to encourage people to remember, more of a celebration of life). Since then, and this is partly due to the international nature of my family personally, but the lines of communication for many have been increasingly made more strained or difficult. 

 This has opened my eyes to a number of dynamics or instances that appear to be common to this kind of medium I am finding as I explore this topic and context more throughly. Firstly, this is the controversial post which I made on Facebook. I can understand why some may not be comfortable or happy with me doing this in this kind of manner and I can understand and accept that. However, there is also my own healing and coping processes that I am going to have to put in place to ensure that I personally am also able to cope with losing my Dad just like (for example) my sister will have her own also. Since I have removed this from Facebook, I wanted to be clear about what this action meant to me and for me as the person on the receiving end of such a context or scenario. 

Before this post was even made, I had blog posted the start of a "retrospective letter" of sorts on this page for my Dad which I will first include to provide some idea and concept of my context in this moment... 


Dad, 
I know that you wanted the best for me and would have done anything you could to help me and you know that I love you for it. But you know how I said for so many years when I was struggling with soo many things, when you would try to find people who I could look up to or who could look out for me. Just like you did with Kate, and fortunatly for we were lucky enough that it was David & Ange who were looking out for her. But you know how I said I didnt want you to continue to try to give me someone to fit that role, well, for a number of reasons, one of which is I only wanted to have you around to look up to. But also because you didnt ever really understand how different people could be or act or respond when you were there in person or close by to how they would for me, without you there. 
Now your gone, I am finding the reality that more than anything, while people want to help and say they will even, they dont know what to do or they think they know everything, which forces me into a position that just removes any decision making ability off me. I know you are angry about the people who have "let Jess down" but you need to understand, this is not my beef. You might be angry, I would confidently say that you would infact be appaled by a few of them even. But Dad, they haven't disappointed me, they disappointed you and more than that they disappointed and wronged themselves and thier promises. I will make sure that I am being taken seriously, I will do the things that you want me to do to grow, but Dad right now, I need me, and Kate & Mum need me. Oh and Dad, you know that James needs me. You know how amazing he was in Adeliade and Doha for us all and I know you believed in and respected him too. 
But he does not know how awesome he is, and I know you tried to tell this to Mum for years, but the thing is, you can't help someone if they don't see the need to. He is such a precious sole, a lil shining star but also a timid dear and he has done awesome, and will continue to and I will tell him that he is over and over again, but I know how well that worked with Mum for you if you just kept telling, she needed it to be said to her by you.  I have to rearrange my house and sort out me shit. You know I will do what I know I am meant to do and I will try to keep faith in myself and think of how proud you are. Like those stupid "WWJD" arm bands, I will remember to remind myself when I need at times- "what would dad do?" Miss you loads. <3  Jess. 


This "letter" above was my personal coming to terms with my reality moment, In this second I felt there was not a single person there for me to talk to or relate to in any way and all I could think was that I wanted to call my Dad. Obviously, as he is passed away, I am not able to do that- I do not want people to misinterpret that I am not dealing or copying with my Dads death, I just felt alone and isolated and there was no one I could contact or get hold of that seemed to be able to be there for me. In that moment, I made this post, which I am sure was probably largely to blame for the conflict or more accurately debate which followed for me as this unfolded, considering GM's passing in particular...  


Posted on Grahame Maher's Profile Page at 05 January at 13:46 ·
    • Jess Maher 

       there you go Dad, from me to you, that was an example of what I always meant when I said to you sometimes, I know that u like to smash, fry or otherwise destroy peoples phones when they are telecom for example- but its not fair to do that when its something that someone else values, and I understand it was always about impact and having to do something, and for you, and for me- I just did some pretty satisfying demolition but instead of a wall or phone or whatever else you destroyed or smashed up in your life, I told the people who were impacted by it that I had to just smash something and would the old spa be appropriate, I checked first Dad.

      And maybe it took me fuckn up and following your lead first, if thats what it took to be true to myself and do that- I can accept that, but for me- that is a much better approach than I personally think you sometimes took. You know that I felt like this, but as much as I love you and look up to you- I dont have to always agree with you and I gotta say I dont think its appropriate to take to a wall with a hammer or chainsaw even like you did many a time, just because that means something has to happen.
      05 January at 13:46 · Like
    • Jess Maher 
      And I'm not going to care if people have a problem with it, just like you would want me not to, but Daddy- as much as I miss you, this anger or disappointment you may or may not feel for someone or everyone for that matter is not mine, its not fair for you or for anyone else to make that mine. And I will rock this shit and do exactually what we talked about along the way, but when I do it, its gonna be my way. I know I am alot like you- but I am also a lot like Mum.. More to the point, I am not either of you or both of you in equal parts- I am me and I know in life you appreciated and was proud of that. Please don't in death as such, forget that fact, cause I get that we are kindred spirits or connected or whatever, but u know dad, I'd really love you to not worry about this shit or me and just, for once, just chill out would you. I am erratic & manic & crazy enough all by myself thank you very much.
      05 January at 13:50 · Like
    • Jess Maher 
      And even though you rocked the world effectively and achieved your goals, doesn't mean I wont or I need you to continue this tough love shit from the grave- thats fucked up. Its too much seriously, look out for Mum if you want as will I but don't be using me as your freakn puppet! Dad, I look forward to creating a whole world of mischief to make sure that the world and all those who occupy and apparently even are responsible for looking out for it and us in it, really have to face what is wrong with our systems and structures and stop just accepting that it has to be this way for some reason and really looks at what we have done, and try and find ways to change it- but you know how you felt hurt when you were told one time that there was no chance for you getting to a board member, too much of a maverik or whatever they said, well dad, thats probably because in your mind, there was sincerly nothing wrong with taking to the wall with a chainsaw because you couldnt take the shot you wanted in pool cause the wall was in the way- I accept that but I dont agree.
      05 January at 13:54 · Like ·  1 person
    • Jess Maher 
      I love you and will always be true and protective of myself, Mum and Kate, but I've got it now. Seriously, its all good. Just let me have sometime to do my thing please. And then when I need you I will know that I can feel your presence if I want, but birds lining up outside the window and channels and media players doing weird shit and all of a sudden always changing to Meatloaf! Seriously, I got ya and yer sure, i get ur trying to be funny- but serious, thats kind of crap is not soo cool when the fact is, when things get hard and I know u would approve but I cant call you and talk to you when I get to the point where it seems that everyone just thinks I'm insane, well that might have worked for you, but I dont want to. And Dad, thats not fair ok. Thank you, sincerely for the last freakn week of fuckn with me to remind me your around still, for writing your own eulogy through me even and giving me strength when I have to be strong for mum, but I am ready now to do it my way and I know you know that.. I love you, I miss you and I will always know ur not that far away, but for now can ya just not be that damn close please ;) thanks padre. I am officially taking the baton off ya now, my turn to go for it and I know it will be ok and even more than that it will be fuckn awesome and like you always said, I'm excited about enjoying the ride! ♥ if your bored, go annoy mum or kate would ya? ;)
      05 January at 14:03 · Like ·  2 people







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